Monday, 16 November 2009
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
To Whomever Finds This,
I think I should start by telling you a bit about myself. My name is Willow Carter. Yes I am victim of a hippy single mother. I never met my father but I have been informed he was an older man and was as my mother described it, an inappropriate relationship. Sorry. I’m getting a little sidetracked. It is taking a lot to write this and a long time for me to be able to, but I knew that I couldn’t move on without leaving something behind. I will try to be as unbiased as possible. So I guess I had better start from the beginning. Oh wait, before that I should mention an important piece of information, in fact it is the most important part of this. I died.
Growing up with a hippy mother (she re-named herself Star) it was difficult to rebel. The only way I could rebel was to be responsible and basically the mother. I did the cooking and cleaning, paid the bills and worked hard even before I was old enough to leave school. It sounds so boring but I had to be. I guess that’s why at 26 I felt so old. I had a house, a steady job as a P.A. to the Managing Director of a recruitment company, a fiancée and still made sure my mother’s bills were paid. I was old before my time. My heart was wearing and wrinkled from the passing years that happened in a blink. I had worn out my heart and shelved my dreams. Dust settled and I felt lost. That’s when I decided I had had enough. I was through with this life. I decided to create a new life. I pulled my suitcase off the top of the wardrobe and began to pile my clothes in as if Jason my fiancée was about to walk in at any moment. Once I had emptied the contents of the wardrobe I looked at what was left. Jason had only a couple of suits and a few shirts. The rest was scruffy well-worn jeans and t-shirts that were in his draws on the other side of the room. I had taken over the wardrobe. I had taken over Jason’s life. I moved myself into his heart and his home and he loved it. Could I really radically alter his life and then walk out and leave him with nothing but two suits and a few shirts hanging in an antique wardrobe? I began to cry at the feeling of being torn and I hurriedly put everything back into the wardrobe then shoved the suitcase back on top. Looking at my watch I realised I was late for work. It didn’t seem to matter when I was running away but now. I picked up my briefcase, keys and mobile and dashed for the door. Just as my feet reached the bottom of the stairs the phone rang. I lingered for a second and then headed to the door. As I opened it I looked back at the phone all lit up and ringing loudly. I went over and picked up the phone.
“Honey. I’m so glad I caught you.” My mother’s shaky voice was familiar to me.
“What now? I’m late for work.” My annoyance was far from hidden to her but I had been playing this game since I was 9.
Some hippy mothers just loved tie-dyed clothes, free love and no rules for their children. My hippy mother loved all those things but loved alcohol more. She had been drinking for as long as I can remember, but she was bad from when I was about 9. Or maybe I just remember it more from that age. The first time it was obvious to me was when I was at my first sleep over. My mother would have let me go years before but being a shy and fearful child I didn’t feel confident enough till then. I had been there for about 4 hours when a game of truth or dare had begun. They asked me who I fancied in the school. I couldn’t bring myself to answer because it happened to be the girl’s older brother whose house we were staying in. They said if I didn’t answer my dare would be to run around the garden naked. Pack mentality had kicked in and I felt under pressure so I lied. I said I fancied Paul Rudder. Now Paul was, as I then would have described him as, a freak, but in actual fact he was more like a dreamer. His head was always in books and I think I heard it paid off, as now he is a writer who drives a Bentley. At the time though he was the first name that popped into my head and probably the worst. They all started to make fun of me. After an hour of it I was on the verge of tears and desperate to leave. I phoned my mother to come and get me but she was drunk. I was crying at this point. So I just left. I was a mile down the road when I saw my mum’s car. I was so happy and she pulled over to let me in. It was a big mistake. She could hardly see and kept babbling about how she was going to stop drinking and that life would be great and she was going to make me brownies when I got home. Why did she only talk about quitting drinking when she was drunk? Anyway, after swerving in and out of the other lane for most of the journey we were 5 minutes from home. I remember feeling relieved and then she turned left onto a one-way street. That moment would change everything. She started to scream when she saw all the cars bearing down on her then she let go of the wheel. I grabbed the steering wheel and we veered off to the right and ploughed into a fence. Thankfully we were not too bad and no-one else was injured but my mum damaged her back. Not enough to stop her from doing what she wanted but just enough to not have to work. Her drinking became known as taking her medicine and I was given a heavy helping of guilt ever since. It ensured that when my mother called I had to answer.
“Don’t be like that honey. My back is really playing up today. I need you to pick me up some shopping and I’m short some medicine.”
“I cant. I will pick it up after work and drop it round.”
“Thanks honey. Could you at least drop me some medicine round now? The pain is so bad and I could really do with it being eased.”
“I can’t and you shouldn’t be drinking anyway.”
“This week has been tough and I just need to get me over the hump.”
I knew that buying her booze was not helping but if I didn’t she would start drinking what was in her house like cough medicine and I was afraid she would end up drinking cleaning fluid. The thought of maybe just letting her crossed my mind but I couldn’t. As I dashed out the door I made a quick call to the office to my boss to explain I will be a little late. Of course I didn’t say I was enabling my mother’s alcoholism, I can’t remember now but I think it was something like my alarm didn’t go off. I hopped in my car and nipped to the local shop. You think I would be used to it but I was so embarrassed buying vodka at 8:30am. I went to my mother’s house and she was waiting by the door. Before I had even gotten out of the car she was by my window knocking on the glass while shaking. Her eyes were so sunken and dark that she looked like she was already dead. I rolled down the window and handed her the bottle. Without a word she unscrewed it and chugged. The strong smell stung my nostrils and I could only imagine what it was doing to what was left of her liver. Her poor organs were drowning in vodka. She came up for air, wiped her mouth on the back of her filthy dressing gown and smiled.
“Thanks love. That has really helped. This will be my last bottle of medicine. I’m quitting after this. How about you come over for tea tomorrow and I will cook? You should bring that fella of yours, Justin.”
“His name is Jason. Maybe. We’ll see.” Yeah right. She has never cooked me a meal and she wont start tomorrow.
I rolled up the window and drove off leaving her to walk inside clutching her bottle like it was a newborn baby. The whole way to work I was livid that once again I was put in that position and why she could never be a normal mother. Away with my thoughts I was on autopilot. I never noticed that I turned right when I should have turned left. The sound of horns honking woke me from my thoughts and I realised I was the wrong way on a one-way street and cars were bearing down on me. I panicked and swerved to the right. Just before I slammed into the fence I was furious with myself as I said, “Not like my mother”.
From this point I’m not entirely sure what happened. I can tell you what I remember but officially they tell me that the ambulance got to me quickly and worked on me at the scene. They say I died for approximately 6 minutes but then I came back (my words, not theirs). They sent me to hospital where I underwent nearly a year of successful but very painful physical therapy to get me to this point. My version however is very different.
I lay on the side of the road aware that the paramedics were working on me and very aware that this man was unbuttoning my blouse. It’s strange really. I knew I was dying but the fact that a man was unbuttoning my blouse to see the wound bothered me. Not for long though. It felt like darkness was closing in on me. Not in a visual way but in the feeling of being claustrophobic. I could hear this noise in my ears like a combination of nails on a calk board and the muffled sounds you hear when you are under water. It was so uncomfortable and the pain in my left hand, left leg and chest didn’t seam so painful anymore. I knew I was dying. It felt like I was being ripped at the seams. Then it didn’t hurt anymore. There was no sound and I felt like I was floating. I’m not a religious person, I didn’t see a white light, there was no loved one to meet me, and I didn’t hear a voice beckoning me. I just knew I was dead and I had a choice. Let this be it or return. I did entertain the thought of letting go, even though I didn’t know if there was anything to grab hold of on the other side. I hated this merry dance I had lived and even thought I was considered young I was weary. I was ready to rest. I guess it is for selfish reasons I wanted to go and for selfish reasons I wanted to stay. I wish I could say that the love of Jason is what brought me back, but honestly I didn’t think about him. I guess I figured he would be all right, at least I hadn’t run out on him. What brought me back was something my mother had said. When I was 15. It had all been too much and my mother had tried to commit suicide but I had found her. I rang the ambulance. When they arrived she had managed to consume a couple hundred pills and a full bottle of vodka with a gin bottle chaser. When she saw them and right before she blacked out she said she should have drowned me as a baby, she knew that my life would never mean anything. I guess the real reason I came back was I didn’t want to prove her right. I wanted to get to the end of my life knowing it had meant something. Not just to my fiancée, but to me.
I know it sounds very dramatic and I don’t know if it is real or if that was a dream I had when in the hospital. To be honest it’s irrelevant. I wish I could tell you that two years on my life is amazing. That it has all been different. That I skip through fields of flowers, that I have found a job I love, and that my mother stopped drinking. I can’t. I’m actually writing this before I go and put on a black suit to attend my mother’s funeral. Her organs waited patiently for a life raft that never came. They couldn’t hang on. Honestly I’m a little relieved. I know it sounds bad but I am. So what has changed? I suppose my attitude for one. I am not an old woman trapped in a young woman’s body. I am a woman who was trapped trying to find my way out of the maze. At least I’m trying. I get married in a month, finally. We have only been engaged for 4 years. The most important piece of information is…
… I’m pregnant. I just did the test. Don’t worry I washed my hands. I haven’t told Jason yet. I don’t think my mother’s funeral is the best time. At least I don’t have to buy him a wedding gift now. All I do know is that I want things to be different for my child. I want to be different. I know that none of this will touch my child’s life. All they will know is love, home cooked meals and I will always pick them up and drive them home safely when a sleepover has gone wrong. I will be leaving this letter in the grave with my mother. If you find it I hope that you are living the life you always wanted. I am laying to rest the old me and instead I’m picking up hope for the future. Something I’ve never had till now.
Live life well.
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Your paper Walls torn into the night.
Exposing my vulnerability.
You sneak in and ravage my life.
Foundations of instability.
Creaking sounds of this weaping house.
Burgled my tranquility.
No peace or protection to be found.
Shattered the dependability.
Lying scared of who will appear.
House betrayed security.
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Friday, 17 July 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Paul handed his money over, took a ticket and stumbled down the bus searching out a seat as he went. Spotting one he sat down with a thump. Paul began to take his ipod out of his bag and unravel the earphones.
‘You having a good day dear.’
With a sigh to himself he shoved his ipod back in his bag knowing it would be a long journey. ‘Yes thanks.’
‘You remind me of my Frank. Sweet man.’
‘Yes.’ She gazed out of the window a moment then looked back at Paul. ‘Your eyes.’
‘You have the same eyes. The type of eyes that are young and yet full of wisdom.’
‘Thanks.’ Paul blushed. ‘So what has your day been like?’
‘Can’t complain. I have the air in my lungs and I have had a great love, so, so I can’t complain.’
Paul smiled at this sweet old woman.
‘Mind getting the button love?’
Paul pushed the button, slipped out his seat and watched her head down the bus.
‘Bye son.’ She waved without turning round.
‘Bye.’ Paul returned to his seat. She said, had. She said had a great love. Just then he noticed she was wearing all black.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
I stand here nearly swallowed up
Caught in the war of nature verses nature
Displaying power like a prancing peacock
Waves crashing its symbol to be heard
The cliff crowned in grass that dances in splendour
This proud tower weathering its opponent
Demanding its place
Staking its claim
Wind rushing to win
Surrounding all that may stand in its way
Fighting to have this place carry my name
Man encroaching on Mother Nature
Sticking a flag in like it means something
Blood flowing like oceans to claim what was never theirs
Wind laughs at my plans
His voice heard in thunder and lightning
Staring at all creation colliding
We will be here long after you.
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Saturday, 27 June 2009
You didn’t know him
and gaze at his beauty
and hold him closely
and care so deeply
and touch him gently
and need him desperately
and love him instantly
and loose him quickly
and fight so fiercely
and walk away despondently
And as I tell you this
and your pity builds
and I feel your sadness
and the question burns within
and now it spills
and can’t hold it in
and you say ...
time is a healer.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Friday, 19 June 2009
Breathe it in.
Drink it up.
Warmth trickling down.
Feeling its journey.
Radiating from within.
Surpassing all understanding.
Capture a moment.
Just for myself.
Quiet and peace.
For a second.
What sweet relief.
Inspired by a drawing (010) on http://astheysleep.blogspot.com/
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Monday, 8 June 2009
No you won’t die from the lack of sleep
No you won’t always pray to go deaf just for a minute’s piece
No you will never stop worrying (it comes with the job)
No you’re not a bad mother (crying is how they communicate)
No they don’t love him more than you because they say daa daa first
No don’t be alarmed if you find a piece of your crossword in its nappy (unless there is a pen too)
Yes at some point you will get a nights sleep (even if it’s when they're 18)
Yes it will get better
Yes when they are asleep you think they are perfect and can’t remember what you were moaning about
Yes they make you laugh till you nearly pee (that’s a side effect of childbirth)
Yes you will always be consumed by love for them
Yes they will make you the happiest you have ever been
Why do people return to the fridge and cupboards hoping some food will appear after they have already checked several times?
Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know that the batteries are getting low?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do they use sterilised needles for administering the lethal injections to the death row inmates?
Why does Tarzan not have a beard?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why are we supposed to park on something called a driveway?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars and then check when you say the paint is wet?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
I want to leave something that lasts.
Paint a masterpiece.
Construct my art.
I want the world to gaze at the beauty
that pours from my heart.
The eloquence of my expression.
The creation that I long to impart.
I want to encapsulate all of creation
with just one photograph.
Make real what is abstract.
Words to edify and enrich,
holding unfathomable impact.
To resonate with the soul
and keep creativity intact.
I want to destroy the constructs of mediocrity.
Build beauty out of the rubble.
Eliminate clichés from the start.
Strip away at the façade.
Forcing convention to depart.
Leave only the naked truth.
The truth of art.
I long to show you the light that I saw in your eyes.
The light, the hope, and the love you do not see.
I felt a wash of sadness wave over and touch my soul.
I want to set you free.
I want to reach into the deepest part of your heart.
Touch the deep scares that reside there.
Your wounds they are familiar to me.
The scars that have been untouched by human hand since their conception.
I feel like I have the key to unlock the life inside of you.
But I know it cannot be me.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
The light faded and all was dark. For just one moment it was as if it had never happened.
Slipping through worlds.
How would it have been if I had known?
How should it have been if I could have paused?
I wish I could return.
I knew better but I forgot myself.
Teetering on the edge
Now I’m falling
Panic sets in
What have I done?
Lying in my ditch
Bruised and battered
Wet with tears and fear
Jerked into reality
Eyes cloaked in sleep
It felt like a dream
For just one moment it was as if it never happened.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Shaken to my core
Sleep still in my eyes
Scared of what it means
Searching for the truth
Slowly coming round
Steadying my nerves
Soon I will forget
Should I face the truth?
Monday, 11 May 2009
Today I say I do
Today our love dances on the wind
Enamoured by words breezing through.
Our dreams will flourish into life
As the future comes into view.
Today the secrets of my soul pour forth
Our joined destiny we now pursue.
Your love found me, then moved me
And now your love has made me new
Today mouths are speaking
What our hearts breathed true.
In the reflection of your eyes
Who I’m becoming is imbued
Today my heart is given freely
And I have entrusted it to you.
A myriad of moments interwoven
Our vows we now accede to.
To shelter from within, I do
To walk beside you, I do
To laugh till we cry, I do
To be your friend, I do
To edify with my words, I do
To speak sweet truth, I do
To express my heart, I do
All I can say is, thank you.