Goodbye

Tonight we went out for our anniversary. We have been married for 6 years. We went watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. If you don’t want to know the ending please stop reading now.

Anyway the last scene really got to me. It reminded me so much of Will. So I thought I would use this page to talk about it so forgive me my nakedness.

I’m sat writing on the computer with my gorgeous little boy on my knee fast asleep. He looks so peaceful, while my heart is aching. I miss Will more than my lips dare to say but my fingers betray me. They are telling things that if I spoke them allowed may rip me in two. I’m fighting to type but it is so hard to see through tears. It was so unexpected. Grief is like that. I don’t think it ever really goes away but it catches you unexpected like someone walking into your room while you are changing – you feel so exposed. And the unexpected way it hurts leaves you completely unprepared like stubbing your toe so hard that it takes your breath away. My heart feels like it is beating outside of my chest because my ribs were not equipped to contain it. No one knows what this feels like and for that I am thankful.

Questions begin to flood my mind as these waves of tears are streaming from me.

What would he have become?

What would he have looked like?

Would he have had my eyes?

Who would he have married?

In the 24 hrs he lived did he know how much I loved him?

What would his children have looked like?

I want to scoop the questions back as I can no longer bear to ask but the slip through my fingers and I have to face them. My nose is stinging now and my eyes have gone purple (how attractive). One question that hasn’t come to me is why. Don’t ask me why?

Isaac is sound asleep while my tears splash onto his face and roll down his cheek and I can’t help but smile. I’m so lucky to have him (something I never take for granted).

Suddenly WHY has jumped into my head (it’s not what you think). 

Why do people care what other people think of them?

Why do we have to have life all planned out?

Why do we hold onto what has been?

Life is so short and I need to decide what I want it to look like and go after it. I need to stop looking to someone else to define what it is worth. I need to live it.

What do I want to look back on my life and see?

What do I want it to be?

Why am I here?

Life Through A Lense

Here are a couple of pics of my lovely son for you all to enjoy. 

I really love taking photographs. Now I have a decent camera I can't wait to learn how to not just love taking photographs but to be a photographer. I want to have the skill to be able to take the pictures that i have in my head. 

I have also included a picture of The Statue of Liberty that I took on holiday. I found it strange to be there as we were there with many people who were crying because of 9/11. Many of them held photographs of the skyline with the towers on it. It was a strange moment so I decided to take a photograph of something that is a strong symbol for what the American's were feeling.

Debbie just commented that it looks like the statue is crying and that is exactly what I was going for - yeah!!

Words Awaken!!

This will become a regular post. I love words and quotes. There is something wonderful about it. By all means feel free to post words or quotes you love too. Here is the first installment.

The word is indomitable (in-DOM-ih-tuh-buhl) Adj. Meaning:
Incapable of being subdued or overcome; unconquerable.

In the beginning ...

In thinking about how I could start this blog I wanted to start well. I wanted to be witty, insightful and creative….

… don’t hold your breath.

There is nothing more wonderful than the start of something. The first kiss, the birth of a baby, the first one of a large box of chocolates. We often look at this and think that everything is at it’s best when it starts. Full of hope and expectation. Watching my beautiful little boy grow is changing my perception. I think the real beauty is when time has passed and it forms into so much more.

So in the spirit of new beginnings and the wonder of what it becomes I have decided to write the first line for you to continue on with it. It could be the first line of a poem, a short story, a script, the inspiration for art or anything you like. Make something from a small beginning and enjoy the journey.

So here we go …

The light faded and all was dark. For just one moment it was as if it had never happened.

So that is it. It’s all you get. Have fun creating.