Goodbye

Tonight we went out for our anniversary. We have been married for 6 years. We went watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. If you don’t want to know the ending please stop reading now.

Anyway the last scene really got to me. It reminded me so much of Will. So I thought I would use this page to talk about it so forgive me my nakedness.

I’m sat writing on the computer with my gorgeous little boy on my knee fast asleep. He looks so peaceful, while my heart is aching. I miss Will more than my lips dare to say but my fingers betray me. They are telling things that if I spoke them allowed may rip me in two. I’m fighting to type but it is so hard to see through tears. It was so unexpected. Grief is like that. I don’t think it ever really goes away but it catches you unexpected like someone walking into your room while you are changing – you feel so exposed. And the unexpected way it hurts leaves you completely unprepared like stubbing your toe so hard that it takes your breath away. My heart feels like it is beating outside of my chest because my ribs were not equipped to contain it. No one knows what this feels like and for that I am thankful.

Questions begin to flood my mind as these waves of tears are streaming from me.

What would he have become?

What would he have looked like?

Would he have had my eyes?

Who would he have married?

In the 24 hrs he lived did he know how much I loved him?

What would his children have looked like?

I want to scoop the questions back as I can no longer bear to ask but the slip through my fingers and I have to face them. My nose is stinging now and my eyes have gone purple (how attractive). One question that hasn’t come to me is why. Don’t ask me why?

Isaac is sound asleep while my tears splash onto his face and roll down his cheek and I can’t help but smile. I’m so lucky to have him (something I never take for granted).

Suddenly WHY has jumped into my head (it’s not what you think). 

Why do people care what other people think of them?

Why do we have to have life all planned out?

Why do we hold onto what has been?

Life is so short and I need to decide what I want it to look like and go after it. I need to stop looking to someone else to define what it is worth. I need to live it.

What do I want to look back on my life and see?

What do I want it to be?

Why am I here?